There’s no easy way to say goodbye
by HaliaStar
Summary: oneshot.this fic does involve cutting, rated T just to be safe. harry muses on what he has to do. songfic, goodbye by natalie imbruglia. disclaimer, i do not own the song the book or the characters.


There's no easy way to say goodbye.

_Every days the same_

_I feel them merge_

_I try to separate_

_Resist the urge_

_But they tell me _

_I'll be fine_

_That it will all get better_

_Just try to write it down or put it in a letter_

_But the words won't play_

_And there's no easy way to say_

_Goodbye, goodbye_

* * *

The blade is sharp as it bites into my flesh, the metal cold and hard then blood warm and soft a reminder that I'm still alive that I can still feel. _Why do I do this?_ Maybe to feel in control of something, perhaps I hope that one day I'll cut to deep yet I know that these aren't the reasons and I'm to scared or cowardly to admit to what was the real trigger_. These answers are rational but are they justifiable for what I'm doing?_ Cutting. Why does something that brings me such pleasure and freedom have to be so bad, and I know it's bad otherwise I would have told someone like Ron or Hermione my best friends even Lupin. But I know why I don't tell them they would try to understand want to help me and that's not what I want. _What do I want?_ Not to be me; Harry Potter the chosen one, the golden boy, the one who has to kill Voldemort. _I'm 16_ _why should I have to carry the world on my shoulders?_ _Because it's right because if I don't then who will?_ The blade is back, my comforter my release it expects nothing of me. The cuts that form intricate patters on my arms are now covered in blood but I know what I'm doing the cuts are shallow. _Is this an addiction? _This question is easy to answer yes it is; and like all addictions I can't stop, maybe in the beginning when I still wanted to but now the pleasure of seeing the red of my blood and feeling the sting each time the blade tears into my wrists is the only thing keeping me sane. How ironic cutting myself is far from sane, _but why is that? Why do people look at you in disgust or even worse pityingly when you tell them that you're cutting, is it really so bad when I feel so good afterwards, albeit only for a short while but I still feel good and shouldn't that count? _I think at some point in everyone's life they fantasize about cutting of letting go, but few actually do it and that's why they look sideways at you because you're realizing their fantasy. _Does this make you stronger or weaker than them?_ In the beginning I would have said stronger when I still had control, but now I've lost control I'm falling deeper and deeper and there's nothing to grab hold of to stop, _and when I do stop what will be waiting at the bottom for me? _I the famous Harry Potter not in control, the story of my life._

* * *

Keep my head on straight_

_And don't look down_

_With all I've pushed away_

_I'm losing ground_

_But they tell me _

_I'll be fine_

_That it will all get better_

_Just try to write it down or put it in a letter_

_But the words won't play_

_And there's no easy way to say_

_Goodbye, goodbye_

* * *

Love, such a beautiful complicated word filled with so much promise and meaning, _who do I love? Who would I die for? _But that's wrong I would die for the world – am going to – that doesn't mean I love it. I've never really given much thought to this little word before sure I can say I love Ron, Hermione, Sirius and all the Weasleys but that's superficial love I'm talking bout the heart wrenching soul breaking kind where you know your life isn't complete without the other half. Maybe that's too much to ask for after all how many people actually experience that.

I know I'll be leaving behind people I love – that superficial kind because I'm still not sure who I love - but then again Voldemort will just kill them first chance he got so in away im saving them. _In the end who am I really saving them or me? _Both sure they'll be sad when I leave – sounds like I'm going on holiday, which in a way I am - but if they die like Sirius then my pain would be far worse. Sirius it still hurts to think about him to know that I will never hear is dog like bark or hear his voice telling stories about my parents he was after all my closest link to them. Sure there's Lupin but Sirius was different he was my godfather he was the closest thing I had to a father, maybe that's why his death affects me so much because when he died so did my dreams of living in a loving home with someone who loved me like a son. There is the Weasleys I know they love me but they have 7 kids already, kids who share the same flesh and blood I can never be one of them. With Sirius I could be part of a family because he like me was an outcast from the ones who did share the same blood – for me it was my aunt and uncle who could never love me because of what I was, a wizard. For Sirius it was his parents who saw him as a failure for turning is back on the family name 'Black'.

_

* * *

And from the sidelines_

_Watch me fall down_

_And I don't understand_

_The things I do_

_But I'll probably be fine_

_As long as I keep moving_

_I'll try to write it down_

_So things just keep improving_

* * *

Again I cut if only to rid my mind of memories and it works I feel that rush and my mind is clear. _Is this how I'm going to spend the rest of my days before I have to face Voldermort and ultimately my demise_? Because being totally honest there is no way I can beat him be has over 50 years on me and he has no heart so killing someone close to him is hardly likely to cause him to much pain where as he can kill anyone remotely close to me and cause me to lapse in to a void of self pity and destruction, he is strong I am weak and goodness doesn't always win.

I'm the wrong person to save the world; it needs someone who is ruthless and manipulative who doesn't care about anyone but themselves, someone like Malfoy which in its self is ironic seeing as his father is a leading death-eater so his fate is pretty much sealed to becoming one himself. Draco Malfoy my arch-enemy at Hogwarts yet the person I feel I can best relate to, funny that yet not all that surprising. _Do I feel compassion for him?_ Maybe not before but now a little, it's the same with Snape I think I understand them better nowadays. I can't even hate properly, _why choose me to save the world?_ I am for all intent purposes a romantic which is just a nice way of saying that I'm idealistic. _Does this make any difference to what I have to do? _Understand my reasons it's not just because I miss Sirius, and not because I'm running away, the reason I'm doing this is because I know that when the time comes when I have to face him I wont be able to kill him. The wizarding world might think I can after all the people he killed and all the pain he caused but I know better I am not a killer and I don't want to give him the satisfaction of making me one. _Does killing myself not make me a killer then?_ In my eyes it makes me free.

Goodbye, another complicated word it could indicate for the time being or forever. In the end goodbye is goodbye and its meaning crystal clear no matter how hard it is to say.

_

* * *

Still the words won't play_

_Cause there's no easy way to say_

_Goodbye, goodbye_

* * *

_Fini_


End file.
